by Lucy Leitner
There are few stories that end with dressing dogs like bikers. And those that do absolutely must be made into movies.
We have recently become aware that Poison lead singer and Butler, PA native Bret Michaels is involved in the creation of a biopic about himself. We are not sure of the extent of his involvement—from Orson Welles (or Tommy Wiseau) total control to merely assuring that his colorful life doesn’t get reduced to self-righteous anti-rock clichés that Ripper Owens’s life did in Rock Star—but it appears that Michaels wants to share parts of his story that are seldom heard.
Of course, we all know him as the whore-magnet of such reality classics as Rock of Love, the voice of some of the biggest party anthems and power ballads of the 1980s, one of the prettiest male rock stars of all time, and the George Lazenby of Pamela Anderson sex tapes.
But, aside from his propensity for starring alongside silicone-enhanced blondes, Michaels has a legitimate production company with Charlie Sheen, a man whose powers over whores rivals only his own. Yet, instead of staging questionable “casting calls” and recruiting from outside of strip clubs, tanning salons, and free clinics, Sheen and Michaels have released films like A Letter from Death Row, a psychological thriller that the Poison singer gave his best wrote, co-directed, and starred in.
Reports seem to indicate that Sheen Michaels Entertainment will be producing the film, but the extent of Michaels’ involvement is unclear.
In statements to the media, Michaels emphasizes his desire to make a movie about his more trying experiences dealing with addiction, diabetes, a brain aneurysm, and heart surgery. This is great as a serious film, but, dire as they may be, drug problems with young rock stars and subsequent health problems is not exactly unique. Luckily, Michaels has that Petsmart line.
“I want to tell the story. Mostly, when you see rock movies, it has to be this over-the-top thing. I want to give people a Bret Michaels movie where they see that my life is a comedy of errors. I also want to show my fans how to get through the kind of troubles that would leave most people flat on the floor,” Michaels told the Columbus Dispatch.
That is great, Bret—more people with type 1 diabetes should know what kind of booze to drink to avoid insulin shock. But please don’t leave out the fun parts.
I want to know about the perils of being one of the hottest chicks on the Sunset Strip and the surely agonizing process of writing of “Unskinny Bop.”
I want to know how the Butler-raised front man become the all-time greatest at calling out guitar solos. To my knowledge, not even David Lee Roth ever topped “CC, pick up that guitar and talk to me.”
I want to see a brokenhearted montage in which we find the origin of “Every Rose Has its Thorn.”
And, most importantly, I’m sure we all want to finally know what is beneath that ubiquitous bandana?
Though so much of Michaels’ biography has already been aired in a variety of formats on VH1, a feature film would likely be free of the D-List talking heads of the Metal Moments countdown and the spray-tanned personification of gonorrhea that comprised the cast of Rock of Love Bus.
That being said, there are so many others from that era that would probably be on the biopic list before Bret Michaels. The death of Jani Lane leaves us without definitive knowledge of where the down boys go. If anyone from that era deserves a feature film, it is Sam Kinison, the screaming maverick rock n’ roll comic who somehow managed to parlay his skills as a preacher into telling hilarious, yet often “medically incorrect,” jokes. If anyone from that era absolutely needs a biopic, it is Axl Rose, so that we may finally get a glimpse of what is going on in the Abby Normal brain that steers this Frankenstein’s monster of reanimated parts that is the current incarnation of Guns N’ Roses.
And I want to know what the hell happened to the Wet Cherri guy from the Decline of Western Civilization: The Metal Years.
But if there is anyone from that glorious era of sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll, and hairspray whose story contains the highest quantity of spectacular and weird moments, it is Bret Michaels, a man who failed to drop off the map like so many others did, who found a way to a sustainable, eclectic career while constantly reinventing himself in his own image.
This is the movie we’re getting.
And I can’t wait.